One month.

It has been exactly a month since Jordan died. It’s hard to fathom even still. I think I’ve accepted it, but there is still this feeling of incompletion.

We had so many plans this summer. So many things we talked about. And then death comes and everything just kindof stops.

Or does it?

We had planned on going to Scream the Prayer and seeing Emery. Instead of making the drive to Georgia like we did last year, Thomas, Katelyn, Mindy, Devon, Scott, and I went to Charlotte. It was such an awesome day, got to eat good food, hear good music, and even moshed a little bit. This culminated in meeting Toby Morrell of Emery. I told him about what happened to Jordan and thanked him for all that his music had meant to him, and to me. He was very gracious and kind and heard me out. As much as I wish Jordan was with us, I wouldn’t trade our experiences for the world.

Because of Jordan’s death, Thomas has come back into our life. Scott, Thomas, and I had a Bible study together last night and went through the entire book of Galatians. It was awesome, and I know that God was in the middle 0f all of it. I feel like I’ve gained a brother back, and while I wish Jordan were here to share in that, I am at peace knowing that one of the things he always wanted is back in our lives. We will fight to maintain that friendship, to build eachother up. I feel like Jordan has passed the torch of discipleship to me and I will uphold that gladly as I grow closer to God and to my bros and we learn from each other.

And for the rest of the group, the times may be hard, but we have held onto eachother. I am so thankful for those people, Scott, Katelyn, Steph, Thomas, Cydney, Paul, Devon, Caitlin, Allison, Dustin. And countless others whose lives Jordan has touched. My heart is full of gratitude and, though it is difficult, the globe has continued to spin and life has kept moving and I thank God every day for those who have poured out love and friendship in my life. Death really changes so much, especially when that person was one who you could never see as not a part of your life, but I know one thing…God is faithful to the very end.

My heart goes out to the Slusher family: To Melissa, Randall, and Ashley. They are wonderful people and I am saddened by the toll Jordan’s death has taken on the family. Melissa texted me the other day with this verse, which has helped me immensely:

 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. –Romans 8:35-39

It is the love of God that sustains us, that holds us close, that brings us deeper and deeper into the reality that we are not alone in the universe. We are not alone because we have a Savior who loved us so much that he died to set us free from sin and death. He saved us from hell, he saved us from ourselves, but he also saved us TO something. The mission God has given to me is strengthened by the death of one I consider a brother. It is hard, still, but I have faith in a God who knew that this was going to happen.

My faith stands firm in the face of grief, in the face 0f a million things I don’t understand.

After all, to live is Christ, to die is gain. Jordan has gained a lot, and me? I have one of the strongest reasons ever to keep living.

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Author: panicpreacherpanic

I am not good.

4 thoughts on “One month.”

  1. I came across this tonight/this morning from Jordan’s FB page. I really needed to get some perspective on something I’m dealing with tonight. As the tears roll down my cheeks I thank God for your willingness to share this with others.

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