Here comes the aspect of working through grief that I hate the most: bitterness. That stinging feeling in the pit of your stomach when you’ve been sad for so long that you’re just completely bitter. At people. At God. At yourself. At what could have been and what never was. And that’s where I am. I always said that I can’t pin injustice on God, no matter what. And to some degree, that is very true. My relationship with Christ is still going strong. One lesson in mortality that Jordan’s death taught me was that since life is not promised, and our next breath never for certain, I must put my trust in Christ fully. The work of God in my life is not finished, and for whatever reason, I am still here to accomplish his purposes for me. But I am stuck with this terrible feeling of anger. As I type these words, I can’t keep the tears back, I can’t reconcile the actions of the loving God that make so much sense in my heart with the raging thoughts in my head. I am conflicted because what I know to be true and the conflicting emotions that I believed I shelved months ago continue to wrestle adamantly.
I am a neverending battle with the sadness that comes from losing a close friend, a brother even. I have never struggled with depression, but the crippling sadness still will not let me go. Any memory or song, or picture on Facebook just brings all of the feelings to the surface and have no idea how to handle it.
And I am bitter.
But I serve a God who sees my tears and holds me close to him. I serve a God who saw me in my weak, sinful state…who penetrated the depths of my stubborn, depraved heart and gave me life through the blood of His Son, Jesus. I serve the Holy One who is not only sovereign–not surprised by anything, but working all things for the good of those who love Him–but who is FAITHFUL. And as my conflicting emotions and the schemes of the enemy tempt me to wage war on that God, who i’m wrongfully told is guilty of cruelty, I hold fast to the truth that the God I serve took on flesh and loved me enough to take my sin (and yours.) That same God is SOVEREIGN. He is not surprised by the things that make us hurt, He is not surprised by tragedy and he can heal the bitterness and the wounds it brings.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.–Colossians 3:15-17