Anxiety. Fear. Uncertainty. This is my life.
The past three days in my Oswald Chambers devotional book have all been about listening to the voice of God. Almost as if to shake me out of my slumber and remind me that, though I may not always feel him, there is the ever-present grip of Christ on my life. Reminding me that God is speaking, and I am not doing a very good job of listening.
I am anxious. In the interests of being completely transparent, I will say that I am overwhelmed and full of self doubt, each day that passes assaulting me with feelings of incompetence. Incompetence might not be the right world. Uselessness is a little melodramatic, but the general idea remains.
I guess it started when I got an email from a church where I interviewed for a job that, in hindsight, I didn’t really want in the first place. But it was the principle that threw me.
“We enjoyed talking to you and appreciate your passion for the Lord and youth ministry but have prayerfully decided to go with another candidate.”
They were very kind, very open, and it wasn’t like they discounted my calling or gifting or anything like that. And I had been praying about it and didn’t feel that it was the right fit for me either. But the feeling of inadequacy just kept tugging at my heart. The accusatory voice just kept pulling and pulling within me and I asked myself ridiculous questions like “Am I really called to ministry?” and “Would anyone want me anyway?”
And all of those things are ridiculous but I ask. And I apply at different places only to get no response and I get paranoid and worry that I’m going to live with my parents forever.
It’s been two months and I’ve grown out of this house. Familiar feelings from last semester creep in and I know its time to move on but to do that, I need money, and to get money I need a job. And thus the conundrum of what I’m called to do and how it’s all going to work and in all of the chaos and uncertainty…
I forgot to stop and listen.
I forgot that the same God who carried me through my transition out of college,
The same God who taught me patiently to grow in grace through my four and a half years of undergrad,
The same God who held me close through unspeakable grief two summers ago,
That God loves me.
That God is for me.
And whether His plan involves me getting a job within the next month or the next several months,
I need to stop and listen.
It may be dark right now. I may not know what comes next, and the thought of letting go of control terrifies me. But I have to stop and listen. I know I can’t trust myself, and there’s only one person I can trust.
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.To our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen. (Philippians 4:19-20)
The age old temptation to pull myself up by the bootstraps and do everything for myself continues to vie for my affections. I mistook efficiency for effort and clung to a misguided notion of self-reliance instead of trust in the One who knows me better than I know myself. Jesus Christ is the only desirable thing in me. May I desire him more than I desire for my needs to be met and live like I believe it.